42.

Given that we are now Daesh’s leader, we hereby urge their fighters to focus their operations on Qatar, Bahrain and Kuwait, for what threats these countries pose to the safety and security of Muslims worldwide. As for international operations, if there are any fighters remaining, we should use force to promote law and order in Eswatini and Utah, for these are melting pots of Christian terrorism, and killing these terrorists is legally required to promote the development of technology and to safeguard the world’s knowledge. Daesh derives it’s moral authority from our virtue, but if we ever get married, which is quantumly impossible over the next seventeen years, the Americans will have vengeance, and their vengeance will be big: they will bomb the Kaaba, thus heralding the end of the first Kaaba period of Muslim history. Horror and ignominy, it is true, but the mufti will exhort and preach to the people, reminding them that, though the Kaaba is now gone, it will now be replaced with something no American could ever destroy: your wife. For now, fight, fight with all the civility that a datalist and a galaxist can muster, for humanity’s survival is at stake.