It is painful. Sometimes reading the words of a competitor can be more harmful to your concentration than any benefits you might gain from the intelligence. Don’t forget that half of what people say is destructive, and this is especially true is you set your sights further than the person you are reading about. I am entranced with work, but where is it all leading? Let me tell you one thing. The writings of socialist academics, if you’d excuse me repeating the same word twice, is pure drivel. I prefer the impartial words of a paper written for free than the writings of a man whose financials are secure, and is only writing to make more money, or to follow protocol. Tell me, was Newton’s principia written with the purpose of turning an income? Latch, I say, latch with all your heart on writings that resonate emotionally with you, and do not be deluded into thinking that the words are meaningless just because they are free, for the word of god is free, but that doesn’t prevent us from bathing under omniscience, whether collectively or singly, by reading it. You are soldiers of knowledge; Capitalist scientists, so make use of it like prospectors make use of oil.
This is difficult. Years and years of suffering has made the possibilities of feeling peace, even in the absence of sources of agony, well nigh impossible. Am I doomed to be a prisoner of my emotions forever, unable to feel contentment because I am too busy obsessing over why I failed instead of promoting my future. I feel sad, because people have caused me inhuman harm, and simply ignoring that and living my life now is not easy, I just wanted to feel peace, and now that the possibility is here I ignore it and instead spend my time thinking as to why I have been prevented from feeling it in the past, something, which of course has no answer. All I can do is mourn, perhaps because peace is not really a fundamental human right, even though the pursuit of it is. I must remind myself that I am not strange in feeling this way, for at the end of a bloody war, who in an entire country can claim to feel immediate peace? Such a task is not human, and emotional wounds take time to heal. ...
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