How miraculous it is, when a person who is a borderline criminal suddenly becomes a law abiding citizen. Things are not perfect, and we are struggling with our own attempts to be perfect in behavior, but any addition of virtue in our life, even if it be not shared by the foreign middle class, is an extra plate to our armor. The dust has not settled from our battles, and we are very hesitant to sheath our sword and pick up a book, but virtue is a siren, and a warning for all to heed. If we feel peace, how will that help our business? We don’t know, but we do know that a moral environment is a precondition for work, and though it has never come to pass that we lived in such an environment since forming our company, it is our hope that we are being buttressed currently, although, as said before, we are ready for moral attacks, even practicing them. I have never, in the twelve years that I’ve lived here, felt at home. But we will be moral, for that is what we do, letting only the grace of god decide whether we will eventually be able to work or not, or whether we continue being an entity with form but no content.
This is difficult. Years and years of suffering has made the possibilities of feeling peace, even in the absence of sources of agony, well nigh impossible. Am I doomed to be a prisoner of my emotions forever, unable to feel contentment because I am too busy obsessing over why I failed instead of promoting my future. I feel sad, because people have caused me inhuman harm, and simply ignoring that and living my life now is not easy, I just wanted to feel peace, and now that the possibility is here I ignore it and instead spend my time thinking as to why I have been prevented from feeling it in the past, something, which of course has no answer. All I can do is mourn, perhaps because peace is not really a fundamental human right, even though the pursuit of it is. I must remind myself that I am not strange in feeling this way, for at the end of a bloody war, who in an entire country can claim to feel immediate peace? Such a task is not human, and emotional wounds take time to heal. ...
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